who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize