i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
