just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
