Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
did i just pee glitter
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