I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
