I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
