Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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