im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
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