you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
