I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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