i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
