who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
