My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
