Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
