if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
