I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
