I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
