Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize