End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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