I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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