There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize