I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
