Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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