Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Also, beer. Big fan.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
