I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
