a queef is a wish your heart makes.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
