This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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