Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
