I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
