my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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