If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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