oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
