I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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