my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
if i died would you start the facebook group?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
