Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
