I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
