there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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