Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Come share oat with me in your robe
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
