You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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