did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Randomize
