Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Did we literally take a cab across the street
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
