You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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