I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
