If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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