Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Randomize
