fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
