I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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