I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So vagazzling was a success
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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