Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
