1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Can Purell be used as lube?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
