Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize