my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
