hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
