A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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