so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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