I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize