Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize