umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
