I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
