Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
