if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
