I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
