It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
