I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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