I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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