Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
