Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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