Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
