Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
